SO AS NOT TO BE DEAD

The Most Interesting Man in the World

2009-10-20T01:51:00.000-07:00

I am trying to read the Bible again with fresh eyes. Wanting to see these stories and truths in newness of life and understanding is difficult when pressed against the grain of the constant religious editor "Suday School Boy," in my brain. But a new starvation for truth is in my belly and I do not believe it will be satisfied by any other means than the rawness of the Holy Scriptures and the brokenness of my own condition twisting together for the purpose of healing and forging a new heart.

All of that said, I love the simplicity of this passage about Jesus at the wedding in Cana (in Galilee).

John 2
Jesus Changes Water to Wine
1On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus' mother was there, 2and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. 3When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine."

4"Dear woman, why do you involve me?" Jesus replied, "My time has not yet come."

5His mother said to the servants, "Do whatever he tells you."

6Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.[a]

7Jesus said to the servants, "Fill the jars with water"; so they filled them to the brim.

8Then he told them, "Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet."

They did so, 9and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside 10and said, "Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now."

11This, the first of his miraculous signs, Jesus performed in Cana of Galilee. He thus revealed his glory, and his disciples put their faith in him.

In this story, I can see the divine humanity of Jesus Christ. It makes me wonder if Mary or his father, Joseph had ever asked for any favors at home. It's almost comical. "Hey Jesus, my saw broke this morning making that table, could you fix it?"

Here's Jesus, fresh with his followers. His first public appearance with his posy, and he tells his Mom, in so many words, "I know what you're getting at, and It's not time for me to start letting others know who I am or that I'm especially different." So, Jesus knew it wasn't his time. He knew that he probably should be careful about the miracle business, and yet, why does he do it? Here's the human rub. His Mom asked him to! This is not to say that Mary was controlling, etc. but that simply Jesus loved his Mom, she saw a MAJOR issue at a key social event (like most Mothers) and was freaking out, so, she turns to her special son for a favor. What mother in history has not done this before. I know my mom has asked me to help with things before related to my artistic abilities or my height or strength opening that pickle jar - or making a run to the store to fetch that key ingredient she forgot about or ran out of when making a holiday meal. Of course Jesus obliged. What good son would not have? And yet, the divinity and supremacy of Jesus takes a "back seat" if you will to the humanity of a boy responding to his mother.

I love how Mary knows Jesus so well and without Jesus even answering her, she tells the servants to "Do whatever he tells you to." That's totally mom radar if full force. And, next thing you know, Jesus is up (probably with a smile or a twinkle in his eye) to talk with the servants. He's careful not to make a big deal about it and reveals his magic only to the servants. Everyone else just assumes that the best tasting wine saved for the last came from the groomsman. Whom I'm sure took the credit for doing so.

Jesus Christ is unlike any other man in history. There will never be anyone like him again. He is, and I'm sorry Dos Equis, "the most interesting man in the world."

A Father's Love

2009-09-23T02:08:00.001-07:00

God's Will and The Wisdom of a Dwarf

2009-09-02T16:05:00.001-07:00

Why is "God's Will" such a driving force behind our decisions in life? Sometimes even small things can turn into an anxious, nail biting dilemma. Tonight, a friend of mine asked, "How do we know when it's God speaking; his will and all that..." - I'm paraphrasing. That's the jest of it. We went around the diner table and offered our human understanding of such a divine concept. Each of us knew that we didn't have a solution or an easy answer. We're all in process and I'm not sure there is an arrival at all. But it's really got me thinking; why do we even want to know what to do next? Are we wired that way as Americans, as Christians, or is there something in human nature that just wanders, "What do I do next?" and something else (deeper within) that says, "What am I SUPPOSED to do next?" Why do we ask these questions?

I had to work late, so I headed to the cafe - It's Ramadan here, so they're open super late. I brought along my copy of the Two Towers and thought I'd read a bit. Then smack dab in the first chapter of this book, the wisdom of Gimli spoke to me very profoundly. Boromir has been slain, the haflings have been taken by Orcs, and Aragorn is trying to read all the signs to figure out what to do next...to figure out what they are SUPPOSED to do...

*illustration by: Terry A. Ernest

"Well, we have no time to ponder riddles, " said Gimli. "Let us bear Boromir away!"
"But after that we must guess the riddles, if we are to choose our course rightly," answered Aragorn.
"Maybe there is no right choice," said Gimli

Maybe there is no right choice. Aragorn is seeking answers to the riddles that are laid present before him to decide the right way. Don't we do the same in life? We look at what's around us, the pros, the cons, what our friends think, what the Bible says, and to top it all off, we've got the burning bush question of "What do you want me to do God?" But, as Gimli brings up in the face of all these riddles...what if there was no right or wrong choice? What if God is more interested in us knowing WHO he is, rather than WHAT he's doing. Graham Cooke once said...

"There is no security in what God is going to do next. There is only security in who God is. What God does is unpredictable. You never know what he's going to do next, but who he is never changes."

There is a certain comfort in the gloom of Gimli's answer to Aragorn's urge to find the next right path quickly. Knowing that there may not be a "right" way, somehow forces me to find security not in what, but in who. The companions may not choose a "right" or "wrong" way, but at least they will choose it together. In the end, I wonder how many nights are waisted in us trying to figure out what we should do! In Brennan Mannings words "Don't should on yourself."

Now the balance to all this is simple...there are still decisions we have to make. Do I marry him or her? Do we buy this house or move to this city? Do I take this job? Should we adopt? All of which our hearts cry out for an answer. And rightfully so. Many of our questions reflect the decisions that surround the desires of our hearts, and as as Christians we desperately want to make sure that our desires have some supernatural stamp of approval from heaven before enjoying them.

So, I'm not saying that we should never contemplate or seek out answers or ask God, "What's next, what should I do?" What I am saying, is that if we prematurely put values and barometers on things - labels like "good choice" or "bad choice," or if we get our stomaches in knots because we just don't want to do the "wrong thing" we'll never find security in our decisions. But if we find our security in God's good nature, we'll have the confidence to step out into any direction - even if we don't know the way.

What's Important in Life

2009-08-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

So, I asked God a really stupid question. "Will you please show me what is important in life?" Be careful what you ask for. I know what is supposed to be important in life, but often times, I don't prioritize or live those things out. For example, I know that my wife is more important than my job, but I don't always show that with my behavior and attitude.

We were gearing up to move to Morocco. A friend of mine, Clark asked me what would be a "win" upon returning after our year spent overseas. I thought about it and answered, "A win for me would be to come home knowing what is really important in life." Thus, the question turned into prayer.

God has a funny way of showing us things. We left for Morocco with a good salary under my belt. Plenty of money for morocco and enough to even travel to Europe a bit. We were trying for a baby, we were both excited about moving, things were on the up and up. Then disappointment knocked on our door. We had a miscarriage, my salary was cut down more than 2/3, our apartment situation ended up being a little different than what we thought, We both kept getting sick, I had to work more (to make up for the difference financially), and to top it all off; I left Robin's Nikon D40 digital SLR Camera on the train from Fes to Meknes this past weekend. A camera which I bought for her by selling a couple of my guitars and all my recording equipment.

So I have to wonder, "God, are you answering my prayer?" It hurts like hell, but maybe it's actually heaven? Perhaps God is stripping me away from things. Perhaps he's trying to tell me that money is not important, and neither are cameras for that matter. Maybe he's saying that having another baby isn't important or that where we live doesn't matter that much either...but I don't think that's his character at all.

No, this is not a jaded entry where I write about how bad God is. It's quite the opposite. He is a fighter, and he smiles. He's a happy God who delights in his children. God LOVES to provide for me. He hates that I left the camera on the train, and he wept when we lost another baby. He is a God who intimately cares about us stumping our toe or being too late to catch the train because we couldn't find a taxi.

So, no. I won't go there. He IS answering my prayer, but it's not HIM who's CAUSING hurt and disappointment. The disappointing things are happening because he allows it. Yes, he is soverareign, etc. but he is also good. He is not a God that thinks pulling the rug from underneith his children is funny. He's a God who answers prayer, and he's the God who says, "What's important in life is you finding security in who I truly am and what I'm truly like. Not in what I do or what I allow to happen." As Graham Cooke once said,
"There is no security in what God is doing. You never know what he's going to do next. He's unpredictable. There's no security in that place. There is only security in WHO GOD IS. In his nature; what he is really, really, really, like. And God is good."

I'm finding as I grow older, that our circumstances in life are neutral for the most part. They just ARE. It is us, that assigns them meaning. We put tags on our days like: Good, Bad, Okay. We decide if something was right or wrong, or good or bad, or hurtful or healing. My situation right now sucks. That's the meaning I'm assigning to it. But can't I dwell in sucky circumstances with a good and happy God that is more than willing to help me, comfort me, and give me the occasional high five?

I will continue to pray for God to show me what is important in life. I will also pray for a baby, for a camera, and for money too - I think he'd love to give us all of those things and to "restore the years that the locus has eaten."

Diner Table Trick #1 - Lemon Teeth

2009-08-09T14:02:00.000-07:00

So, you're sitting at the table with a bunch of your friends. Conversations come to a lull and everyone is thinking about what everyone else is about to say that might start the new string of conversation. What I'm about to unveil to you will entirely ruin that moment. Not only will it ruin the 7 min lull, but it will completely destroy it into something that will either release laughter from your friends or total embarrassment from you. I give you...(drum roll)...Lemon Teeth.

STEP 1 - Order a wedge of lemon for your water or lime for your favorite Mexican beer.

STEP 2 - Peel the wedge. Take your knife (from the table - have to say that for all you boyscouts out there). Flip the lemon wedge over (white side up) and cut 5 straight lines through the peel leaving about 1/8 inch of peel in tact along the top rim.

STEP 3 - Invert the peel and place it between your teeth and your upper lip. Make sure the white side is facing outward. Now wait for the laughs!

I'm not sure where I got this from or when I started doing it, but it seems like something I've just always done and known about. So, enjoy the fun and remember guys, it can win a girls heart (well almost)...especially if that girl is a few feet away in a high chair!

Homemade AC Unit

2009-07-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

It is super hot in Fes. It is so hot that you will actually sweat cheese. Because I did not want my family to die by death of sweaty cheese, I read online how to make my own Air Conditioner.

An engineering student, Geoff, in Ontario, Canada lived in housing without AC. During the Summer, as temperatures rose, so did his brilliance. You can read more about his Homemade Air Conditioner. It created quite a buzz in Canada, and I'm very thankful that he shared his idea with the world.

Trying to follow Geoff's original design, here's what I did.

First, I crudely shaped the 1/4 inch copper tubing (7 meters) around the front surface of the fan. Couldn't find zip-ties in Morocco, so I used twine instead.

Next, I cut my 1/4 inch rubber tubing into two strips (originally 7 meters long). Then I took each strip and attached an end at each of the separate ends of the copper tubing.

One end of one of the plastic tubes goes into the giant bucket of ice water.

And the other end goes through the bottom of our balcony door out to the drain.

How it Works

To get it started you just prime the siphon by sucking on the end where the water will drain. Once it starts pouring out, you know it's working. After you have the siphon working, the ice cold water flows from the bucket of water through the copper tubing attached to the fan's surface, and out to the drain. The copper tubing gets icy cold. The fan then blows over the tubing which in turn makes the air very cool.

According to Geoff, if you have a decent sized water container, the cool air should last for about 3 hours depending on how fast your siphon is. He also says that it can cool off a room in about 20 min. We will be using ours for the first time tonight, so I'll let everyone know how it goes.

And THAT, my friends, is how you stay cool in Fes!

Grace

2009-05-16T07:03:00.001-07:00

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things

Music: U2
Lyrics: Bono
Synthesizers/programming: Brian Eno
Additional Guitar: Daniel Lanois
Produced by: Daniel Lanois and Brian Eno
Engineered by: Richard Rainey and Alex Haas
Assisted by: Chris Heaney
Mixed by: Brian Eno

This song is so powerful. I needed to hear its message today.

The Giving Tree

2009-04-24T07:09:00.000-07:00

Brennan Manning, in a talk given during a chapel service at Seattle Pacific University in 1997 moved me so deeply that I could not help but sob and let the God of love re-wire my heart just a bit - taking it closer to the true image of God.

I've got a one and a half year old son. He's incredible. Shortly after his birth, I went to the local bookstore and purchased a copy of The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein. I had actually never read it before. I was excited to read it both to myself and to my son. So, I wrote a nice little note to Robin in the sleeve about how we'll read this book to our kids for years to come, hugs and kisses, that sort of thing. A few months went by and I forgot about the book. Then one day, it caught my eye, and I thought, "Oh, yeah, I forgot we bought that!" So, I picked it up and in the quiet hours of a particular morning, I read it from start to finish. I hated it.

It made me so upset that I tried to talk Robin into letting me throw it in the trash can. "Why?" She asked, and added, "That's one of my favorite books of all time!"

"Really?" I asked surprisingly. Upon her "yes," I began to really try and find out what she thought was so great about it. The way I saw it was simple. A loving tree, gives herself away to a completely selfish & self-centered boy who never sees the generosity of the tree and takes advantage of it every chance he gets. I thought it was extremely dark and disturbing. A very sad story. I had such a charged reaction to it, but had no idea why. Then one day, I found out.

I wrote an entry called, "God's Love" in October of 2008. This was the day, I ran across Brennan Manning's teaching. So, traveling back in time,now, it's a cold morning in Seattle, and Brennan says...

I had a Jewish friend named Saul growing up in Brooklyn. Everyday, we'd run down to the park with our overalls and buckets, play in the sand and talk about what we were going to do with our lives when we got big.

They grew up and Brennan became a priest, and Saul joined the Army. Many years later, on a serendipitous day in Brooklyn, they ran into one another.

Saul had told me that he had recently converted to Christianity...I asked Saul, "What's your understanding of Jesus?" Saul replied, "Let me think about it and I'll tell you tomorrow." The next day, we met up and what he said to me moved me so deeply that I urged to have it published. A year later he did and it's become the best selling book in the Harper & Row publishing company. This, Saul said, is my understanding of Jesus:"

"When the tree gives himself away to the boy," Saul said, "I'm reminded of when Paul writes in Philippians, that Christ, "Emptied himself...he emptied himself."

When I heard this, I broke down and sobbed so heavily that I had to sit down with my head between my knees. It dawned on me that the reason I hated the book, was that I was the little boy in the story. I wanted him to repair the tree or give back to it, or somehow, at least deserve the tree's generosity! But he was clueless. Like me. It was in that moment, in the "bright darkness of faith" that I realized, God loves me not because of what I do or don't do, say or don't say...in faith and in faithlessness, in prayer and in prayerlessness, in glory and in shame, in victory and rotten sin, in power and in weakness, in clean or dirty garments - he gives himself away so that I might feel loved, accepted, and experience true joy.

Where Are the Heros?

2009-03-17T06:41:00.000-07:00

My wife and I headed to Frederickburg this past weekend to kick back and relax. Granzy and Grandad offered to baby sit for us so we could go catch a movie. There are only 3 screens at the theater in Fredericksburg, and Watchmen seemed to be the most fun. So, we got our popcorn and soda, tickets, and sat in the empty stadium seats at 3:15pm.

As Zach Snyder's film rendetion of Alan Moore's celebrated comic book came to life, it's hues were dark and fragments of the pain of humanity filled the viewing area. It was a work of art. It was beautifully and skillfully crafted. The film itself was incredible. But the story....ah, the story...

The story, (without giving it away), had NO HERO! There wasn't a single character to cheer for. The line of good and evil was so awfully blurry! You can clearly tell who you're supposed to root for, but even then, you end up not liking anyone. Perhaps that's the response to the line from the trailer, "You've never seen superheros like this," yeah, I hadn't and I don't care to again. This film will not stand the test of time other than being another filming breakthrough by Snyder. The story portraid in the movie, is one in which has no heros. What ever happened to making the hero good and the bad guy evil? Those are the types of stories that will stand the test of time.

Star Wars had heros. It was clear. You never had to think about it, or even judge them. During Watchmen, I found myself torn. Do I root for the rapist hero, the murdering hero, the blow your friend up hero, or the adulterous hero? I can climb into my grays and be okay with it, but I don't want to. Something inside me would much rather see black and white. Good vs. Evil, where the good is actually good, and the evil is actually evil, not blurring them along the same line. That's what makes Star Wars so powerful. You can root for Luke and Leah, and the rest. It's easy and you feel good doing it.

As for Watchmen, I wish the integrety and strength of the skillful and artistic filming had be laid along side of a story of the same qualities.

Searching for real heros...

God Knows What Hurts Us

2009-02-21T17:08:00.000-08:00

The most attractive thing about Jesus to me, is that he really knows what hurts me. Brennan Manning tells the story about two drunks in a bar. Blurry-Eyed one says to the other, "Do you know what hurts me?" and the other responded, "How do I know what hurts you?" The friend's sunken reply, "How can you say you love me if you don't know what hurts me?" Brennan tells this story when referencing how a particular priest (who witnessed the scene) learned what true love was.

I used to be very familiar with the Christianese saying that goes something like, "God wouldn't want you to hurt...so it must not be his will." Whether that statement was spoken as encouragement or advice, I'm not sure, but it's not a true statement. The "sark" (Greek) or "flesh" as we call it, is the part of us that always takes the road called, "No Pain Drive." Dodging every thorny bush and bump in the road along the way, our flesh is the part of us that looks out for numero uno and doesn't want to get hurt. Who does? I don't. But it happens. I hurt. I hurt really, really bad sometimes. There are darkened days full of self loathing, ill disposition, selfish lust, jealousy, and feelings of loneliness, frustration, depression, and the sadness of the deepest hues of blue. If God loves me so much, then why does he allow me to feel these awful things? Can we just chalk it up to the fall? Is that the answer? Or is God used to pain? Is he...okay...with it? Or what is more daring (and I believe more truthful), does he intend it? Now, I'd rather avoid a theological debate here, and keep to my point: Following God, doesn't mean that it won't hurt! And that statement is not just for missionaries. It's for each one of us that gets so frustrated at our own lack of devotion, our lazy prayer or prayerlessness, or any Joe Shmoe who is living but has a hard time breathing - this is for all of us.

Did Jesus really ever hurt? Deeply? He was God wasn't he? Surely he went towards the cross for the joy set before him right? Wrong. He was in the horrific bloody mess of scraping through the tundra of the sin of man within his sacrificial tenderness. I am not so sure he saw a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Why else would he have cried out, "My God, my God, Why have you forsaken me!?" It was bad. Really, unimaginable pain. Lets back up a bit...

So Simon is carrying the cross because Jesus is so severely torn. As he walks, he sees the women of Jerusalem and says this: "Don't cry for me, cry for yourselves and your children. Look, if they do this to a healthy tree, just think of what they'll do to a tree that is already dying or dead." Or in other words, "If you think this is bad, it's going to get a lot worse." If you're like myself, you probably blase past that passage thinking Jesus is saying some profoundly encouraging words in the middle of bad times. Nope. He's saying, yeah ladies, it's bad, but even worse than you can imagine. This passage helped me realize how much pain Jesus was in, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Can I say that? Of course I can, Jesus was in spiritual turmoil and an emotional wreck. I believe, that Jesus connected with them in a profound way that is beyond our silly tendencies to say things like, "Turn that frown upside down, Mr." They were hurting, and he was hurting, and he entered their pain, and deep called to deep out of the roar of his waterfall. I do believe that they felt comfort in that. Wouldn't you rather have someone identify with your pain and be present in it with you rather than be quick to tell you what you should or shouldn't do in order to not feel pain? That would be like telling the leaf in the picture above, "Hey, hold yourself up, straighten yourself out, you're about to fall, so lift yourself up and cover up those holes of yours!" Silly isn't it...and yet, I've been guilty of this, and I know that others have as well.

So what is the good news?

Jesus went through the bloody horror of Calvary not to make men and women with better morals. He didn't face that darkness so that we could have a "model" of perfectness to achieve...you know, "be like Jesus." He didn't do it so we could simply live forever. He ripped himself wide open for one purpose and one alone: love for us. So why do we enter the foolishness of comparing our incomplete and fragile love with his that is so infinitely rich and strong? Why is it so hard to love ourselves? Could it be that we aren't allowing his love through? Could it be that we haven't accepted, or feel as if we can not accept his free and powerful love; his love that loves us just as we are, not as we should be or are supposed to be. Doesn't it sound good? Someone that loves us without any strings attached? I invite you, within the bright darkness of faith, to accept his love for the first time. He knows what hurts within you. He has felt the deeper pain and loss, and is ready and willing to enter into yours and sit, hold your hand, and just be with you because he truly knows what hurts us.

Surprise!

2009-02-10T08:52:00.000-08:00

On Sunday night, my wife and a ton of friends surprised me. It was an appreciation surprise. About a month ago the church could no longer afford to pay my salary as 20-30 Somethings Pastor, Graphic Designer, & Web Developer, so I was "let go." It was tough for everyone. Luckily, I had the best boss (Sr. Pastor) and co-workers anybody could possibly ask for, so although it was awfully hard, it was good. This was a party my wife, Robin, put together to surprise and bless me.

I had no idea about it, and it could not have come at a better time. I've been running myself a bit ragged looking for full-time employment, working contract jobs, etc. http://www.billyhollisdesign.com, for more info there. Anyway, I was really blown away by how many people showed up just to say, "Thanks" to me. It was very sobering and amazing. I don't know why it's so easy for me to start feeling like my life has no meaning or that I'm all alone, but it is. Times like these are rare and it's so important to really be present when they happen. To receive other people's love for me is so crucial to the health of my soul. Besides, when others love us, it's God loving us.

They put together a book of encouraging words while they were there, presented me with an incredible new 1T wireless hard drive (I know, I'm a geek), and for those whose stayed to the bitter end, we kicked around the guitar for an old fashioned round robin with all my awesome song writing friends.

It was great. Oh...yeah...the picture above just makes me happy...like the party did. ;)

So as Not to be Dead

2009-01-31T20:40:00.000-08:00

Ray Bradbury, in his introduction to, The Illustrated Man (republished in 2001) tells of a night he met a bartender in Paris. The young 23 year old explains to Bradbury that when he gets off work, he dances at the nearby clubs so as not to sleep, so as not to be dead. Bradbury candidly captures the conversation and concludes with this profound statement:

I end as I began with my Parisian waiter friend, Laurent, dancing all night, dancing, dancing.
My tunes and numbers are here. They have filled my years, the years when I refused to die. And in order to do that I wrote, wrote, wrote, at noon or 3:00 A.M.
So as not to be dead.

To read only the above does not do the story justice. Next time you're at the bookstore or library, pick it up and read it. It will take you 10min or less.

Life is filled with these types of really inspiring stories. We hear songs about it, we read books about it, movies, and countless other forms of communication drive home the truth of "carpe diem." I believe that is what we all want in life. To seize the day, to sail against the wind and find that uncharted land of our heart where the stage is set for adventure, perils and joys await upon the sunsets of "what's next." I'm not much of a writer, but this is my little way to guide my sail toward that horizon...so as not to be dead.

A Change

2009-01-31T20:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since my last post. Thus the title change of my entire blog. I love Jesus, and I need him. I also love traveling, music, art, the way my wife laughs, great movies and organic shade grown coffee. Mmmm. So simply put, I want my blog to include more writings that just about my relationship with Jesus, and don't want to create another blog. There have been things I've wanted to write about, but felt restricted to my own title. So...I changed the direction of this blog. For any followers (I know of at least one), my sincere apologies, but do hope you'll continue to read.

I could think of no better way to illustrate this change than with a photo of my tack board. In the center, you can see Christ. He is in the center of all the other expressions of my personality and iterests. It's how he's made me and I think he's quite excited about the change I'm making tonight.

God's Love

2008-10-10T05:17:00.001-07:00

About three weeks ago, the man, Jesus of Nazareth exploded in my heart. For the past decade, and seemingly my entire life, I've been crying on the inside, cloaked in self hatred and feeling worthless. I have lived with the terrible and extremely logical lie that God only loves those who are flawless. He prefers the china in the cabinet than the broken pot lying desolate on the floor. That lie has kept me blinded to the gospel of grace embodied in the last sigh of a man who chose death in exchange for my life.

It was another weekend at "the Ranch." My good friend Marcus ever so often rallies some of us together to enjoy the beautiful hill country and Perdinallis river that is his in-laws ranch. It was a typical weekend there (if I may call anything we do at the ranch "typical"). We had stayed up late playing poker, worshiping God (these types of things go hand in hand there). I woke up early on Saturday morning and put my feet to the rocky path that led beside the river. Fumbling through my iPod, and with a great yawn, my thumb found something that didn't belong in my music library. "1992-1993" was the title of the curious album, and in moments I found the artist name as "Brennan Manning." "This is that podcast I downloaded for Robin to listen to." I thought to myself. Reading the title, "Experiencing and Responding to God's Great Love" I decided I should listen to it. Dangerous discision.

What preceded, has authentically and irreversably been the experience of recieving a new heart. A heart that finally after 29 years of thinking God didn't care about me unless I was doing either something for him, or at least obstaining from some sin, caught the glimps of his truth, that he comes to where I live and loves me as I am, not as I should be. Because no one is as they "should" be. I have heard throughout my life that "God loves me," that "God is love," that "God so loved the world that he gave his only son." I have sang the songs, answered the questions in heart felt study of his word, and I've even told other people the same thing. But rarely have I ever experienced it. Rarely have I tasted its wildness. It's almost scary how much he loves us. It's unfair, radical, pure, and he can't help himself.

Now everything in scripture, on the radio, through my window, in every person's eye, I see this echo of deep unquenchable, unconditional love. It's broken the power of addiction off my life, brought healing to the deepest parts of my being, and it's broken me to the core.

I have spent the last couple of years searching for purpose. I even picked up, The Purpose Driven Life. All of it seems so silly in this old love I've newly discovered. Knowing the truth that God loves me come hell or high water makes "purpose" unattractive to me. To reach beyond this new essential purpose, "To love and me loved by God," is something I don't have much desire for. I would be happy if I just stayed here the rest of my life. Because out of the overflow of knowing that I'm loved, has come great confidence to walk on the water of life. I do believe I'll find myself doing great things in life and having great "purpose" but it will not be because I think those great things define me or have any effect on my life's meaning. It will simply be because now that I've tasted of God's love, I don't care about anything else.

*******

One morning I began to write down scriptures that speak of God's great love on white heart shaped peices of paper and display them all over the house for my wife and I to have the experience that we are surrounded in God's love. I figured she'd keep them up a day and then take them down. She likes a clean house. That was over a week ago.

Press & Pull

2008-07-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Press through it." It comes up in the Christian sub-culture a lot. "I just need to press through it, brother." In most cases, these people are referring to a difficult trial or circumstance in their lives, where if they "press through" (implication - 'into God') that they'll land somewhere upon God's golden floor and land gently at his feet. We "press into God" when facing marital problems. We "press into God" when we encounter financial problems. We "press into God" when just about anything comes our way that is more than we can handle. I "press into God" almost daily.

There is nothing wrong with "pressing into God," but what one needs to be careful with is the statement's presupposition. The dangerously false presupposition is "if I don't press into God, he won't be there for me," or "I've got to press in if there's going to be any type of change happen." The biblical and correct presupposition is, "God's pulling me hard, and if I just press into him a little bit, He well pull me through."

I used to think that "pressing into God" was digging my own way out of the cave. Boots strapped tight, mustering all strength, to just get to the other side. It's silly really. God is HUGE. He's so BIG. These words don't even scratch the surface of his power. Not to mention his jealous, passionate, unbridled love for us. He goes crazy when we are hurting, or when are backs are up against the wall. HE CAN'T STAND IT!!! So he pulls with all his might to woo us to himself. Meanwhile we're trying so hard to "press in brother," and all we really need to do is simply wait. Wait on the Lord. Listen to his voice. Meditate on his great love and power to pull you through rather than your power to launch yourself towards him.

Two nights ago, my son, Jude, was asleep while Robin and I were watching television downstairs. We heard a sharp shriek, loud and alarming sound off from his crib. Like bolts of lightening we shot up the stairs, hearts pounding. We flipped on the lights and there he was moving quietly sound asleep. It must have been a dream or something, but he was certainly fine. I had the thought, "God rushes like that when we are hurting!" Jude didn't have to "press into me" in order for me to run to his aid. He simply cried. And there wasn't anything wrong! How much more does our Heavenly Father run to us when we are in pain. How much more quickly does he respond, and how much more powerful is his outstretched arm towards us, than ours towards his.

*Photograph taken by Stacy Cross: www.stacycross.com

A Poem

2008-07-14T06:38:00.000-07:00

Oh sweet water of life, I wait for you in the silence. I sit, I choose to sit. I choose to sit still with my hands folded and think only of your love. Like a small pool of water that begins to seep from the ground, the knowledge of your love begins to slowly surround me. Forgetting every distraction and thinking only of you, weightless it lifts me. All my fear and shame...feelings of failure and embarrassment, scarcity and pain dissolve in the cool brisk touch of your waters. Cover me now. Let me swim deeper. Let me float higher but never to reach the top. Let me drown in your love...for in the death of these waters, I am tasting life. A life of forgiveness so sweet, I could never imagine. A delight so intoxicating my heart and lungs beg for more, breathing in deeper. more freely this time.

How many swims have I missed? How many waters have I traded for the absense of this? Your love is like a pool of perfect water. Cleanse me in it. Baptize me. For there is no danger of too much of your love, of too much of your water. The depths of your waters scare my shame and draw me close through the embrace of your death into life. Drink.

The Lepers & Jim

2008-06-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

My friend and counselor, Jim, gave a talk on Sunday morning that really rocked my world. As the first slide of his power point lit up, I read the statement, "Seek Him!" and sunk. O, great. I thought. Another sermon that's going to make me feel horrible for the ways I'm not seeking God. My defenses were starting to go up even before the opening prayer as my mind raced through the past week trying to remember which mornings I spent time with God, and where I needed to "tune up."

This past month, I've felt so distant from God. It's something I've always struggled with. There is something wired in me (a lie) that believes I must be cool and collected or have everything together before I come and spend time with the "Almighty." I'm not sure where or when that was taught to me, or if I just created that belief on my own. And even though I know it's not true, in the midst of pain, I find myself believing it. I'm in one of these places, and Jim's talking about it.

"I want to start with this idea." Jim speaks in a soft voice which is opposite of his appearance. He is a big dude with facial hair. "God seeks us...he initiates being with us!" It was a good reminder, I thought. I remember first really understanding that through reading A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God. I'm all ears though, because at least his first point wasn't "Get your act together, you filthy slime." Which was what I usually hear in my head. The editors. You know, the editor, or 'tors in your head that rewrite a truth into something less than the powerfully pure truth it is presented with. Like when your friend says, "I love you," and you're thinking, "Ya, right..." that sort of thing.

Jim presents scripture on how God is after us. My prideful heart starts to melt a little as I realize how desperately I need to understand in a new and deeper way what he's talking about. He goes on, and shares a story from his own life and asks us to think of a time from our own lives when we experienced God's initiation of pursuit of us. I think of a time, and thank the Lord, but there is something about to break, and I'm not sure what.

Jim gives a lead in for his second point: "He wants us to seek Him!" There it is...great...here comes the shame, guilt, feeling distant again, this...this is what I was afraid of...I thought and smirked my lips in disappointment...not towards Jim, but myself...also thinking...Okay dude, you got it comming...you're "time with Jesus" track record hasn't been all that great lately. I was still all ears, but like hands that fly up just before a car crash, I was listening.

Then, the curve ball of truth happened. You know those times when you tell a buddy, or a parent, or your wife that you've hurt them and you're sorry, expecting a punch or a drop kick to the face, but you don't get it? Instead, you get, "I forgive you, I love you." It doesn't happen all that often, but when it does it almost makes you feel worse and all better at the same time? It's...sobering. Jim cocked back a strong arm, steading himself, and thru the curve ball of Luke chapter 17 right in my face. I was mortally wounded and will forever be changed.

"Do you remember the story about the ten lepers?" Of course I do. I didn't, but nodded anyway...as a pastor of a church, you should know all the stories. He goes on. "Remember how Jesus had ten lepers come with him (he went on to describe how horrible leprosy was...which I remember from watching Braveheart). Ten lepers come to Jesus and ask to be healed and Jesus says, "Present yourselves to the council in Jerusalem," and so they went, and as they went, they were healed. Jim spoke of how much faith they had, which was cool, but then he said this: "Do you remember what happens next? One of the lepers runs back to Jesus, throws himself at his feet and worships him. and do you remember what Jesus said?" I didn't. "He said, didn't I send ten of you? Where are the other nine?" Then the ball hit the glove and I had swung and missed. "Jesus was sad." Jim said.

Tears welled up in my eyes. To think that Jesus was sad, and not angry, blew my mind. It was this curve ball that I'm continuing to swing at as it literally messes up the lie in my head that God is a distant Father, to one who simply misses me, and is sad when I don't show up.

During communion, I shared with Robin and we prayed together. I cried and cried, and I repented. "Forgive me father for how I bargain my time with you...Oh I didn't get up in time this morning, so I'll just grab 10 min later...I think you'd rather me skip the thing and just be present with you." I prayed more, but don't remember what. The point is, that I need Jesus, and he wants me.

Father, may I never treat you like a dog in a crate that I take out to play with or pay attention to, and then put you back and go about my day. And may I constantly be aware of your emotions and not just my own. May we continue to grow closer together in love and intimacy, and may you continue to shatter the distance with your love and affection for me. -Amen.

NOTE: The above image taken from google images.

Just Cut it Off

2008-06-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell, where "their worm does not die, and the fire is not quenched." -Jesus

Desperate for Jesus

2008-04-05T21:58:00.001-07:00

I'm desperate for Jesus. Desperate for him to come and shake, shake, shake. "Come and split it all wide open." I say. "Come and shake this heart of mine." Take it in your hands and make it something new. Take the monotony and make something magnificent. Bless, Break, & Give, not just communion wine & bread, but a heart as well. A new heart.

Dear God, This Sucks!

2008-03-25T20:22:00.001-07:00

Being completely honest with God is not always easy but it's simple. Throughout the scriptures, we find the word "cry." In the Psalms, in some of the writings of the prophets, we're encouraged to "cry out." Jesus wept. God was angry at man. All of these things add up to honesty. I think that God longs for us to be honest with him.

Why aren't we always honest with God? I've been learning how vital it is to my life to be emotionally connected with God by simply expressing my feelings with him. Especially when they're not very pretty. I used to think that I had to use "holy language" or something, as if the God of the Universe couldn't handle a pip-squeak like me getting a few things off of my chest.

If something is really bothering my wife and I, we have to deal with it. Typically it's because I've messed up. I'm angry and she's angry. So what happens if we don't share it? Distance. Why should it be any different with God?

I'm learning that as I share my deepest feelings with God, (unedited) I am able to trust and love him more completely. I so desperately need a place to "tell it like it is" and I've found no better place than the ears of Jesus.

May we all learn how to walk through the wreckage of our lives in the comfort of knowing God hears us.

Simplicity

2008-03-18T21:01:00.001-07:00

I can easily make things in life so completely complicated that I drown out a healthy dose of rest and simplicity. As I was praying this morning, I was reminded of the simplicity of Jesus' words and stories. I was also drawn back to the simplicity of just knowing him and being with him.

There's a story in the Bible about two women, Mary & Martha. So, Jesus goes to their house, and once Jesus sits down, Mary goes to hang out with him while Martha is still scurrying around the house trying to tidy things up. Jesus tells Martha, "Hey, you should just chill with us, like Mary's doing." At least, that's the story in a nutshell.

There are countless times in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) where you can find stuff like, "Jesus walked out of the woods to come be with his disciples, or Jesus went out to pray all by himself in a natural setting, or Jesus went to be by himself to pray. All of these things were hitting me and I thought:

The best thing I can do for myself or anyone else in life, is to simply be with God.

I did this painting a while back, and I was drawn to a lot of symbolism in it. The sheep, the shadow of the trees, the lock (door) and the wood, as well as the map. All of which are Biblical references to one's journey not only to Salvation but through Sanctification as well. Which is a little funny to use those terms when it's a picture of a bunch of sheep. Ah well.

PROSKUNEO

2008-03-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

PROSKUNEO is the greek word used in the New Testament (Covenant) for WORSHIP. What's interesting about this word is that it comes from two different words in the Greek that give us "To move towards as if to kiss, and to bow down, lay prostrate or worship." Now, I'm not a student of Greek, but I trust W.E. Vine's Expository Dictionary of NT Words. So, I'll take his word for it.

I used to think of worship as something that is really stiff and rigid, and had to involve an organ of some kind and a suit and tie. Over the years, I've come to discover worship as a wide variety of things. I've worshiped God jumping up and down, with my hands raised, flat on the floor, silent as a stone, and I've even learned how to worship God to an organ while wearing a suit.

The trouble with me is that I struggle to make it a part of my every day experience. And while studying the very word "worship," I came to understand something very clear. We were created to have relationship with other people, and with God. The very nature of our interaction with people shouldn't be different than our interactions with God. People cry, God cries. When we cry, (hopefully) a friend cries with us. So does God!

When I fell in love with Robin, I wanted to KISS her!

I wouldn't have kissed her without really knowing her. And yet I find myself in places where it's hard to worship God - and it's because there's something about his Character that I'm NOT getting. Worship is an intimate thing. God desires to woo us into that intimate place, not force us or guilt us into it. How horrible would it be if I said to my wife, "Hey, you really need to kiss me right now!" That's not fun.

I think the word Proskuneo really says it all. Worship is a vulnerable thing when we worship in Spirit and Truth. When we come to God as rag-tag and beat up as we are, or whatever state we're in - that we're being honest. No masks, no fluff. No Sunday morning smile (unless it's authentic). That's where God longs to draw us.

When the reality of where we are collides with the truth of who he is, the human heart can not help but be wooed to a place where it so desires to kiss the face of God.

Mom & Dad

2008-03-12T20:15:00.001-07:00

Now that I'm a parent, I've grown particularly interested in my relationship with my own parents. It's hard to imagine them holding me the way I hold my son, Jude. I wonder what I was like as a baby. I think about the way I love my baby and wonder if that's how they felt about me.

The other day, I was holding Jude on my lap thinking about Joseph. OK, so God was Jesus' Dad, yes, but so was Joseph. Joe probably held Jesus the way I hold my baby. It's easy for me to understand how Joe felt towards little Jes. But I don't have an easy time picturing God the Father loving on little Jes the same way. I know he deeply loved and cared for Jesus. Why else would Jesus say a prayer like what's found in John 17, if there wasn't an intimate love there. Now, in my Bible, John 17 is all about God the Father, and I wonder, what about Joe? What were Jesus' emotions like towards his Dad? Or was Jesus' knowledge of God's love for him so brilliantly true, that he didn't feel the need for his earthly Father's love?

Do You Remember That Night?

2008-03-11T06:32:00.001-07:00

Do you remember that night? You held me like a child. Man. I remember it so well. So well.

I just wrote that in my journal. I was asking Jesus if he remembers the first night that I actually felt his manifest presence. It's what the Jewish people refer to as Shekinah Glory or the Holy of Holies. The place where only the priest could enter and it was also where the ark of the covenant was kept. Later of course, Jesus changed all that. When he died on the cross, the veil in the temple that blocks off the Holy of Holies was torn completely from top to bottom, showing that anyone can now enter a crazy experience with God, not just the priests.

One night (I was 15 years old) I was attending this send off service before church camp. I had to work my Summer job, so I couldn't go, so I just went to the send off deal. Anyway, this guys talking about having a "personal relationship," with God, and I'm thinking, "This is total BS." He was talking about how great it is, etc. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had been a Christian most of my life, and I'd never experienced what this guy was talking about, so he must be wrong, right? I was so ticked off. Standing up, and turning every eye in the room, I walked down the long aisle and made sure the door was opened with enough noise to make my point.

I began walking down Brown Street, in Round Rock, Texas in the hot thickness of Summer. My heart was pounding. I felt sick. The kind of feeling you get when you get your heart broken. I stopped, looked at the stars, and that's when it happened.

I broke. My heart melted. My mind was covered in a warm blanket. My eyes were opened, and for the first time, I didn't care about what I was supposed to be, do, feel, act, experience...like a child. I was weeping so hard I felt I had to hide in case any friends came out to find me. I hid behind an old air conditioner unit beside the church, sat down, and continued to cry. That's when (literally) I felt two arms wrap around my body and squeeze. God hugged me.

Lately I've been in need of that again. I just need to be hugged by God. He can hug me any way he wants, I'll take what I can get. If that's through a person, great. If that's through music, a movie, the stars, a painting, anything, that's great. Or if he chooses, he may just physically put his arms around me again and whisper, "It's alright."

I Love the Judester

2008-03-07T20:33:00.001-08:00

My son, Jude Everett Hollis was born 2 months ago on January 8, 2008. I love him so much. He already weighs 15 pounds. He's a slugger. He recently started smiling and that's really fun. He has soft skin and I love the way his breath smells. In the morning when he wakes up, he's really chipper and coos a lot.

Before Jude was born I had a lot of fear about being a Dad. The biggest was wondering if he'd screw up like I do, or if in some way, I'd be a bad Father. There were a few times that it kept me up at night. I had fears that I wouldn't know how to hold him or calm him, or that all my sin was going to mess him up when he was older or something.

But when I held him in my arms for the very first time, all of that fear ran away. The Bible says that "Perfect love drives out fear." God's perfect love was evident to me in the face of this tiny little baby. That precious little child showed me a love that chased away all of that big fear. He's a slugger, and God is good. I'm so thankful that God has given him to Robin and I. And you know what? I think God knows better than I do. I think he gave me Jude because I'm going to be an Awesome Daddy.

Props to Stacy Cross for taking this picture: Stacy Cross Photography

Feeling Distant

2008-03-04T06:01:00.000-08:00

Man, today, I don't think there are words really. I feel pretty whacked out. Out of shape, out of sleep, and out of time. I desperately need Jesus. I feel depressed today, and I'm longing for you.

God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;
My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,
In a dry and weary land where there is no water.
-Psalm 63:1

Sometimes, when I sin, when I fall, I don't know how to get back up. I still struggle with feeling distant from God when I blow it. There is a place somewhere inside of me that just doesn't get GRACE or FORGIVENESS. I've experienced lot's of both but...what am I trying to say? It's like a child running to his Father because he touched the stove top and it hurt. He knew he wasn't supposed to, and his Daddy told him "No!" but when he feels the burn and the pain, there is no thinking; he instinctively runs to his Dad.

Why is that so hard for me? Why do I have such trouble seeing God as a loving Father who welcomes me and all my pain? Why is it so easy for me to go to the far corners of the earth and tell others that God welcomes their pain, yet find it so difficult for myself to do the same thing?

I must rest in the knowledge that I don't have a clear picture of who God is, that the one I have needs re-wiring. I know that he is good and he is faithful. I know that he will answer me.